So, here's what you missed on Glee:
A secret romance between Mercedes and Sam was teased, but then Chord Overstreet got fired, they asked to come back, he declined - and then came back anyway. I'm assuming because he has bills to pay and whatnot. There was some sort of love triangle between Coach Beiste, the football recruiter, and Sue - but no one cared. Emma must be extra crazy because she's hellbent on marrying Will, and here's some stuff about Will's ex wife Terri who was extremely entertaining so of course - they wrote her out. And that's what you missed, on Glee!
This episode opens with the girls suddenly realizing that Mercedes may have a life outside of high school and pretending to be interested in her secret fling with Sam. For some reason, I can never remember Sam's name, so if I start calling him Chord or Abs, just go with it. We all know who I mean.
Anyway, as they twitter on and on while wearing an odd mix of seasonal clothing, all I notice is that Amber Riley is glowing and looks ten times better than the rest of the girls. I have a serious girl crush on Naya Rivera, so that's really saying something in my book. I'm not completely sure who Lea Michele pissed off in wardrobe, but her godawful ankle length skirt/loafers/weird poncho combo are completely offensive to my eyes.
In any event, we move over to the boys who are having the same conversation in the bleachers. I'm slightly confused about why Blaine would be all up in Sam's business demanding that he "tell him everything," about his fling with Mercedes, but I'll suspend my skepticism if it means that I get to look at Darren Criss for a few extra minutes.
"Summer Nights" begins and I'm ready to admit that I sort of would have missed Chord if he was gone forever, but who I would not miss at all is Rory, who may be the most useless character on a cast of useless characters. Rory's shining moment was his one line during West Side Story which was extra hilarious. Ship him back to Ireland now please! My favorite part of this whole performance is Santana being clearly too good for this shit, and the ridiculously campy split screen at the end of the song, which let's face facts, Glee would have done even if it wasn't an homage to Grease.
After the song ends, the single most brilliant moment in Glee history happens, as Helen Mirren does some fabulous voice over work as Becky's inner voice as she travels the hall and evaluates the Glee guys for which one she'd like as her very own. There is a crack about Puck's godawful mohawk looking like a squirrel - I can appreciate a show that takes note of the fandoms complaints and then mocks them in context, and Glee is in no short supply of material there. In any event, Becky decides that Artie is her one true love and seeks Sue out for advice, and I'm already bored.
Next up, Emma and Beiste are at lunch and we find out that Coach Beiste eloped. I don't care about any of this, but what I do care about is Dot Marie Jones and her hilarious twitter. EVERYTHING IS IN CAPS AND SHE RAGES ON THE REGULAR! So amazing. Please go there. Coach Beiste's Twitter.
Sue advises Emma that if she wants to marry Will, she should just ask him. In Glee fashion, she bursts into song. I'm so disinterested Will/Emma that I actually start paying more attention to the credits. Zach Woodlee, ftw! Somewhere during my tumultuous relationship with this show, I decided that I want him to be my best friend. I believe that it was moments like this that cemented that feeling:
I digress. Emma is singing "Wedding Bell Blues" and there's a throwback to the Royal Wedding which was nearly a year ago so ....that's timely. Oh and look, there's Matt Morrison dancing like a jackass and spinning. Dude loves to spin. Then he's suddenly in a tux and OH more spinning. And suddenly they're on top of a cake .... that's spinning.
Sigh. I hate this episode already. Jesus Christ, where is Blaine?
Will runs off to the Glee club to continue his totally inappropriate relationship with his students and ask for their help proposing to Emma. The best part of this entire scene is Sugar, who totally needs a "Fondue For Two" type show, or weekly video blogs. She's new to the cast, but has the best reactions to absolutely EVERYTHING. Quinn pipes up and adds "We totally don't think you'll screw it up this time." But dear, beautiful Quinn, we all know that he will. It's been well documented that Will sucks at everything - especially Glee Club.
I stole this from someones tumblr - and I have no regrets.
Amber continues to look hotter than everyone as Sam and Mercedes discuss their relationship since Sam has given up his high profile stripping job to win Mercedes back.
We're 10 minutes in and my mind is wandering as Sugar and Artie talk about something. I'm curious about Blaine and why his character is so perfect. I want him to have some sort of flaw. His vague rage issues really did nothing to add any depth to his character. But he's barely in this episode, so I try to focus on Becky asking Artie out.
After the break, Sam panders to Coach Beiste for a spot on the basketball team because he's so hard up for a letterman's jacket. She says that he's kind of late on this train, and the only spot left is on the synchronized swimming team. So now we're treated to Nene Leakes of Real Housewives of Atlanta fame and some spectacular overacting. I'm choosing to focus on Chord's abs instead as Nene rambles on about "individual synchronized swimming" and Chord's crooked nipples. This was definitely a great idea, casting department. Sigh. Sam gets slushied by Rick "The Stick" from the hockey team (who I'm pretty sure is going to hit 50 soon, I mean...seriously), Mercedes' boyfriend is a douche, let's move this along.
I wonder if the shooting schedule interferes with bridge nights at the retirement home.
As soon as I see the outfits for "Moves Like Jagger/Jumpin' Jack Flash" I already start feeling so much second hand embarrassment that I can't handle it. Even Blaine molesting his mic stand can't save this performance. This song would have been so much better hand it gone to the Warblers. I'm just saying. Anyway, there's a bunch more embarrassing slow mo dancing from Matthew Morrison, including more spinning - never saw that coming. Among my problems with this performance is why exactly they chose to mash these two songs together - and think that they were appropriate for a proposal. I also briefly consider how Mark and Darren managed to steal a scene that they were barely in, and why Kevin always sounds so awesome and then I just want this to be over. I still hate you, Mr. Schu.
Becky arrives and Artie breaks the news to her that this was the entirety of their date. "I invited you here so you could see me bring my sexy, which I think you can agree I did." Becky, not taking no for an answer informs Artie that they'll be having dinner at Breadstix.
Next up is a creepy scene in a jewelry store, where Mr. Schu takes his relationship with one of his students to the next creepy level and asks Finn to be his best man and make sure he doesn't get out of hand at his bachelor party. Murphy probably cut the line where Will asks Finn if Sam would want to maybe strip at the party, but we all know it was in there. There's also a line in there about how Finn taught Will "More about being a man than anyone I've ever known," and I'm waiting for Chris Hanson to show up...which let's face facts, would make this episode infinitely better.
Finn reveals that he's meeting with an army recruiter and talks about his daddy issues. And now all I'm thinking about is how this jewelry store set was the same one from Santana's performance of "Santa Baby" which was cut from the Christmas episode because I hate Ryan Murphy and he hates me back.
We return from commercial to the Glee girls pumping Will for information about Emma and then in something that never happens on this show, Rachel sings a sappy ballad and cries. This is super original!
The performance of "The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face" is peppered with really sweet scenes of the girls reflecting on their various relationships and OMG TINA HAS A LINE? Sometimes I forget that she's on this show. There's a super sweet Brittana scene but the highlight of this moment once again goes to Amber, whose face crumbles into tears as she leaves the stage at the end of the performance and is infinitely more effective than Lea Michele's patented single tear.
Oh, here's a Will scene again. Time to get a snack.
So after something happens that I'm legitimately unaware of because Matthew Morrison literally makes me need to leave the room, I come back to find Mark's terrible mohawk and the rest of the Glee club holding a Beckyvention for Artie - and there's a life lesson in here about treating people equally and all that but Santana steals the scene again with exactly one line. "I know that girl. That girls a sly, conniving bitch." What I've liked about Santana's character from day one is that as bitchy and mean as she is she's at least consistent about it. No one is safe!
For some reason, this season has really endeared me to Finn, so when I see him walking into an empty classroom with his step dad, mom, teacher/boyfriend and the guidance counselor, I immediately get tense because I know something terrible is about to go down. So this episode proceeds to rip my heart out and stomp on it as they talk to Finn about joining the military to follow in his fathers footsteps, and then his mother reveals that he actually died from an overdose after being dishonorably discharged. This scene is well written and brilliantly acted. I pretty much know by now that whenever Carol is on the screen I'm going to weep - and there we have it.
Helen Mirren is back and Becky has decided that it's time to give it up to Artie - all of the other kids in this school are whores so why should she be the exception? She sends Artie a naughty picture via text, and Artie immediately seeks out Coach Sylvester for help and admits that though he really likes Becky, he doesn't want to date her. Sue encourages him to be honest and treat her like she'd treat anyone else, and then proceeds to deliver the following in the way that only Jane Lynch can: "Maybe she can move on and date someone who doesn't sound like one of those weird puppets that they bring around to the middle schools to teach kids about sexual predators and for god sakes, you need to go one day without the driving gloves. It's a wheelchair, not a Porsche. Stop buttoning your shirts all the way up like a demented 90 year old. You look like you're auditioning for your nursing homes stage production of 'Awakenings.'"
Oh good, it's time for another Will scene. Whatever Emma, go back to John Stamos. Emma delivers a sweet, heartbreaking monologue and I still just wish she had better taste in men.
Now it's time for what will inevitably go down as one of my favorite Glee scenes in history. Kurt, Finn and Rachel are discussing their futures at Breadstix and Kurt is depressed enough to order 2 whole cheesecakes. We've all been there, porcelain. Finn is feeling sorry for himself and wonders "Why can't I have something in my life that's special, that means something." Kurt immediately looks to Rachel, and Rachel proceeds to sing a terribly gorgeous version of "Without You" in a super cute pink dress. I'm as critical of Lea as the next Glee fan, but I can find absolutely nothing wrong with this arrangement, her performance of it, or the scene itself. Plus, there's the added bonus of Blaine gazing dreamily at Kurt, and Brittana being as adorable as ever and holding hands. At some point in the middle, where it's just Rachel and Finn in the choir room I am blindsided by the thought that Cory Monteith is actually kind of attractive. And he's almost freakishly tall. I'm pretty sure I would climb him like a tree, given the opportunity. I'm also impressed that Lea makes it through the whole song without crying.
In true Glee fashion, after delivering one of the best scenes of the series, they decide to go full circle and deliver one of the worst. Abs catches Will in the hall and tells him he has an idea for the proposal. Next we see Will approaching Emma in her office as the beginning of "We Found Love" begins. I hate this song with a passion that borders on the psychotic so I'm already annoyed, but even more so as Will takes Emma down the hall and random people start handing her single white roses. This proposal already blows.
They reach the pool area and Will says something along the lines of "This is all for you - a room full of teenagers in bathing suits. I guess that's more for me..."
The Glee kids and a bunch of randoms begin this ridiculous synchronized swimming routine which is really not as impressive as they probably intended it to be, but Artie rolling his wheelchair into the pool is one of the funniest things I've ever seen, so at least we have that. Anyway, they splash around for awhile, Artie kind of wiggles in a floating chair (still hilarious), and for some reason Blaine looks like the happiest person to ever be in a pool.
Will appears in a shiny white tux and a stupid top hat and proceeds to walk across the water.
He eventually FINALLY proposes and it's very sweet and all, but really. Walking on water. In a stupid tux. I just...cannot.
After that train wreck, Artie lets Becky down easy and Becky takes it like a woman in front of him, then begins to crack as she walks away. "Some days it sucks being me. This is one of those days. Focus Becky, don't let them see you cry."
In one of her shining moments of being an actual human, Coach Sue consoles Becky with some ice cream and some "Lifetime, television for ovaries." It's a very sweet scene but I feel like this episode has been on for like four hours already, so I'm pretty glad it's almost done.
The final scene opens to Rachel and Finn alone in the auditorium, discussing his father. Lea is actually really subdued and sweet here, this version of her character is one that I'd like to see more often. Finn sits her down and tells her to keep her mouth shut and I start getting nervous on his behalf because I realize what's about to happen. I'm a spoiler queen, so it's a rarity that a show even manages to sneak a big moment like this by me, but somehow they did and I had to actually sit up and pay attention.
"I feel like all of my life I've been wondering if I'm going to be as much of a man as my father was. Now all of a sudden I'm up at night, worried that I'm going to become the man he was. Lets face it; I've got high school hero, life zero written all over me. Except for one thing - you. You're like a beacon of light guiding me through the darkness. You're like this big gold star and for some bizarre reason you chose to let me love you. I feel like if I can just convince you to let me keep doing that, then I'm going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. I opened up my first credit card to get this. I know it's not a swimming pool full of dancers or a tux, it's not very big - but it's a promise. A promise to keep loving you for the rest of my life. All you've gotta do is say yes. Rachel Berry, will you marry me?"
That's how you do it, creepy teacher.