I was reading Matt Nathanson's latest blog, and a bit of it struck me. (He types like an ADD 12 year old, so I did some purely technical editing here.)
There are rare moments when i feel confident in my job as a songwriter, as a singer, as a musician. True, pure confidence, and it is super empowering, and it always leads to writing more songs. There is this rad momentum that goes along with true confidence that you can't get any other place. It doesn't last, but if you stay out of it's way long enough... that's where the songs come from. That's where you allow yourself to just ride creativity and really cool shit happens.
The flip side to this, unfortunately, is more common. Being insecure, being scared, and feeling entitled. Seeing success in others, ignoring all the good shit you have and getting pissed because you feel like you deserve more.
That's my default setting.
It takes a lot to see that this thinking is a dead end, and even when I do, it doesn't stop the thoughts from coming. But this is all pretty human stuff. Everybody goes through this in one way or another. What i am telling you is not a revelation.
Every time I feel entitled, every time I start thinking I am not getting what i deserve in this business. I am put in my place by the music. There is always a record, or a song that blows my mind out of my head. That reminds me I still have a very long way to go before I'm allowed to feel entitled to anything. I guess that's what great art does though, it puts things into perspective, and at the same time, it kicks out the walls. It blows your mind...humbles you, and at the same time it lights you up and makes you feel completely unstoppable.
It's just interesting to me that someone who DOES deserve more than he gets out of the industry manages to keep this perspective, when apparently there comes a point where you have all of the success that you could want and still manage to come off like you're entitled to more of it. Maybe that's an attitude that comes along with making decisions that get your personal life splashed across the tabloids, I'm not sure. Maybe it comes along with falling in "love" with high profile blondes, running over the people that helped to shape you in to who you are, and alienating the fan base that helped to fund an enviable guitar collection and a watch fetish. If that's true, that high profile success turns you into a person who has to actively try to convince others has not turned in to a douche, then I hope the Matt Nathanson's, Ari Hests, and Jason Mraz's never get there.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Day 2 of 6.
Dear lady who came in and threw a fit because our clearance prices do not match the other stores in the areas clearance prices. When I told you we have no control over when our clearance marks down, I meant it. It's all done by new fangled computer machines, and is all dictated by a hundred different variables that trigger it. So getting all huffy and then complaining that you "have to put all of this stuff back...and I can't say I'm going to put it back in the right spot!" really isn't going to change things. Gah!
Also coworker who stabbed me in the back got her first lesson in payback today! I left her a list this morning of things to do, not unlike the things that I have to keep on top of on a daily basis, and when I came in none of it was completed. To quote Matt Nathanson "I'll learn to get by on the little victories." Sweet success.
Up at five am for day 3! Wish me luck!
Also coworker who stabbed me in the back got her first lesson in payback today! I left her a list this morning of things to do, not unlike the things that I have to keep on top of on a daily basis, and when I came in none of it was completed. To quote Matt Nathanson "I'll learn to get by on the little victories." Sweet success.
Up at five am for day 3! Wish me luck!
Six 8 hour days of retail will make anyone go crazy.
True fact. So follow me as I take this journey through retail hell. Not journey like the band Journey, although once a month when I have to do the five am shift from hell, there are often Don't Stop Believin' singalongs in the back room. Weird things happen in the back room of your local stores. Trust me.
That said, last night was my first night of this long stretch of craziness and can I just say, crazy it was. The day before fathers day is always crazy busy and yesterday was no exception. Throw in a back stabbing co worker, and incredibly hot and suddenly flirty boss type, and a totally revamped by corporate closing system and we all left with headaches and complaints.
Let's not forget "guy who has bought four Xboxes in two days and brings them back because there's something wrong with them." Right. So why then, when someone pops one of the Xboxes open in front of you to see if it's been tampered with do you leave with your new one, and then call ten minutes later and ask if you can bring the new one back and take the old one? We're a bunch of college kids and techies with access to tools and the interwebs. Of COURSE we're going to check it out.
Duuuh. Look for the update on day 2 later today!
That said, last night was my first night of this long stretch of craziness and can I just say, crazy it was. The day before fathers day is always crazy busy and yesterday was no exception. Throw in a back stabbing co worker, and incredibly hot and suddenly flirty boss type, and a totally revamped by corporate closing system and we all left with headaches and complaints.
Let's not forget "guy who has bought four Xboxes in two days and brings them back because there's something wrong with them." Right. So why then, when someone pops one of the Xboxes open in front of you to see if it's been tampered with do you leave with your new one, and then call ten minutes later and ask if you can bring the new one back and take the old one? We're a bunch of college kids and techies with access to tools and the interwebs. Of COURSE we're going to check it out.
Duuuh. Look for the update on day 2 later today!
Friday, June 6, 2008
New Tattoo Time!
Ok, something's come over me today and I'm like all about wanting to get another tattoo. I have 3 now, all in some way related to music. And I'm sorta weird in that I want my body to be in balance as far as the body art. I have 2 on the right side of my body and one on the left, so now, it's time to get another one on the left so that it's even.
I know for sure that I want the number of the year I was born and I know where I want it. I want it to be really small, too, but I do want it to in some way incorporate the music thing because all the others do and what a shame it'd be to break that now. So now, I sit here going through tons of online tattoo galleries and images of numbers to see how I can work it out. I know as soon as I find the way I want it to be, I'm gonna be running to the Parlor to go get it done.
I wonder if this will be the last one. I swear, on site and even after talking to me, a lot of people wouldn't guess I'd be the girl addicted to getting tattoos. But I swear, I don't care who you are or what you say, if you get one, you're getting more. So if you don't want to be all tatted up, don't even start.
I know for sure that I want the number of the year I was born and I know where I want it. I want it to be really small, too, but I do want it to in some way incorporate the music thing because all the others do and what a shame it'd be to break that now. So now, I sit here going through tons of online tattoo galleries and images of numbers to see how I can work it out. I know as soon as I find the way I want it to be, I'm gonna be running to the Parlor to go get it done.
I wonder if this will be the last one. I swear, on site and even after talking to me, a lot of people wouldn't guess I'd be the girl addicted to getting tattoos. But I swear, I don't care who you are or what you say, if you get one, you're getting more. So if you don't want to be all tatted up, don't even start.
Human Interaction.
So, I'm winding down from "celebrating" getting another year older today. And it's funny, that whole getting older thing doesn't at all bother me today. But I'm not going to lie, something does.
We live in an age where we're instantly accessibly to each other. There's texts, MySpace or Facebook comments, blogs, etc. And I am totally not gonna knock it because I have met most of my closest friends by means of the Internet and I likely wouldn't have met them otherwise. But at the same time, it's totally become a crutch for us as a society.
I've probably mentioned this before but I work from home. If I don't go out to my mom's or the gym, I could likely go days without seeing an actual person. And for me, that's insanely hard because I'm a very social person. I enjoy real, human interaction. Now, I get it less and less. So, I'm guessing that's why I'm sorta bothered by the way things turned out for me this year on the birthday.
I woke this morning to several texts from friends all around with birthday wishes and it totally made me smile. I'm appreciative of being thought about, that's for sure, especially when some are from people I don't speak to all the time. I then get online and I get to Myspace and see that I've got a bunch of comments, too. Some from the same people who sent texts, too and I appreciate that, as well. I really do.
But you know what was most startling? I got TWO phone calls today. TWO. One from a friend who I've sorta not been hanging with or talking to as much as I should because we're in such a close proximity now and one from a friend of my sister's (which was totally a surprise and so funny how she sang). But I'm still sorta surprised that some of my closest friends either waited til late to even reach out (via text) or didn't reach out at all or I didn't get a call from.
It kinda hurts because as ridiculous as it sounds, birthdays are sorta a gage for me of where I stand with someone. It might be irrational but logic creeps into my mind with it. There are 365 days a year...and sure, some people are bad with dates and remembering on which date someone was born but I figure, hey, if I'm important to you, you might just have it in you to remember that this was the day I was born. And that you might, maybe, just have it in your to pick up a phone and actually SAY you're happy I was born or something. I swear, I'm totally not a self centered person but I guess this is the one day a year I kinda enjoy being reminded that I'm loved. And I certainly don't feel like I'm not loved...don't get me wrong. But, eh, I don't know what I feel right now...I guess a little hurt. But people have their lives...and things going on in them and all and I can't honestly expect anything but that's also sorta sad to me. I'll get over it. I know I will...I always do, but I guess that whole less and less actual human interaction makes days like this a little harder.
*sigh* I'm done. Off the soapbox now.
We live in an age where we're instantly accessibly to each other. There's texts, MySpace or Facebook comments, blogs, etc. And I am totally not gonna knock it because I have met most of my closest friends by means of the Internet and I likely wouldn't have met them otherwise. But at the same time, it's totally become a crutch for us as a society.
I've probably mentioned this before but I work from home. If I don't go out to my mom's or the gym, I could likely go days without seeing an actual person. And for me, that's insanely hard because I'm a very social person. I enjoy real, human interaction. Now, I get it less and less. So, I'm guessing that's why I'm sorta bothered by the way things turned out for me this year on the birthday.
I woke this morning to several texts from friends all around with birthday wishes and it totally made me smile. I'm appreciative of being thought about, that's for sure, especially when some are from people I don't speak to all the time. I then get online and I get to Myspace and see that I've got a bunch of comments, too. Some from the same people who sent texts, too and I appreciate that, as well. I really do.
But you know what was most startling? I got TWO phone calls today. TWO. One from a friend who I've sorta not been hanging with or talking to as much as I should because we're in such a close proximity now and one from a friend of my sister's (which was totally a surprise and so funny how she sang). But I'm still sorta surprised that some of my closest friends either waited til late to even reach out (via text) or didn't reach out at all or I didn't get a call from.
It kinda hurts because as ridiculous as it sounds, birthdays are sorta a gage for me of where I stand with someone. It might be irrational but logic creeps into my mind with it. There are 365 days a year...and sure, some people are bad with dates and remembering on which date someone was born but I figure, hey, if I'm important to you, you might just have it in you to remember that this was the day I was born. And that you might, maybe, just have it in your to pick up a phone and actually SAY you're happy I was born or something. I swear, I'm totally not a self centered person but I guess this is the one day a year I kinda enjoy being reminded that I'm loved. And I certainly don't feel like I'm not loved...don't get me wrong. But, eh, I don't know what I feel right now...I guess a little hurt. But people have their lives...and things going on in them and all and I can't honestly expect anything but that's also sorta sad to me. I'll get over it. I know I will...I always do, but I guess that whole less and less actual human interaction makes days like this a little harder.
*sigh* I'm done. Off the soapbox now.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Ten Random Facts About Me:
I have no idea what triggered this. Just go with it. I'm random.
1. I cannot keep a secret to save my life. I'm actively working on getting better about it, but I just do not have the internal shut off valve that would trigger someone to hold information with any semblance of confidentiality. I can keep my own secrets well when necessary, but all of my best friends know that I am the person who will dispense other peoples information freely. I don't mean to do it, it just slips out.
2. I cannot stand still. I can sit still very well. I can sit and read/write/watch movies for hours. However, I stand all day at work and several people have pointed out that its impossible for me to stand still. I'm always pacing, shifting my weight from foot to foot, dancing around randomly, etc.
3. I grew up shy. Painfully shy. Insanely, over the top, I had to have people order for me at restaurants because I was too scared to speak to the waiters shy. Clearly I've grown out of this, as it's a challenge for me to not sexually harass waiters when I'm out these days.
4. I consider myself an expert flirt. It's something that I naturally excel at..if that's even something that you can excel in. It's part genuine interest, part defense mechanism, and if I can't get a guy to flirt back, I will keep at it until I can. The most random example of this? Years back when I went in for surgery, by the time I was being put under, I had my anesthesiologist offering to take me out for drinks. (I was 19 at the time).
5. When I was very young I was sneaking around in my attic looking for god knows what, completely against my mothers proclamation that if I ever went up there I would get hurt. Turns out she was right. I stepped on a nail, had to go for a tetanus shot, etc, etc, etc. I still remember the sound that it made, too. Like cutting through a melon. GROSS.
6. Although I own a few Silent Hill and Resident Evil games, I refuse to play them when I'm home by myself - I get too scared. There was a few week period when I was making my bff come over almost every day so I could finish a Silent Hill game.
7. When I was little I had free reign over the neighborhood, and would spend my days playing in the local pet store, flower shop, or hardware store. All of the owners knew me and my mother and would totally let me occupy my days there doing whatever I wanted.
8. My mother was hell bent on naming me Brandy... I'm so glad my grandmother talked her into changing her mind. Maggie is a much cuter alternative.
9. I bit my nails down to the quick until I was out of high school. Then I broke the habit, and now I get compliments on my nails almost daily.
10. I see the things I write like a movie in my head. They come to me completely out of the blue. I'll see conversations taking place, or settings, or moments. I see them much more in depth than I can ever write them. Smells, and sounds, lights and colors. It's so vivid that I sometimes have a hard time believing it hasn't actually happened.
1. I cannot keep a secret to save my life. I'm actively working on getting better about it, but I just do not have the internal shut off valve that would trigger someone to hold information with any semblance of confidentiality. I can keep my own secrets well when necessary, but all of my best friends know that I am the person who will dispense other peoples information freely. I don't mean to do it, it just slips out.
2. I cannot stand still. I can sit still very well. I can sit and read/write/watch movies for hours. However, I stand all day at work and several people have pointed out that its impossible for me to stand still. I'm always pacing, shifting my weight from foot to foot, dancing around randomly, etc.
3. I grew up shy. Painfully shy. Insanely, over the top, I had to have people order for me at restaurants because I was too scared to speak to the waiters shy. Clearly I've grown out of this, as it's a challenge for me to not sexually harass waiters when I'm out these days.
4. I consider myself an expert flirt. It's something that I naturally excel at..if that's even something that you can excel in. It's part genuine interest, part defense mechanism, and if I can't get a guy to flirt back, I will keep at it until I can. The most random example of this? Years back when I went in for surgery, by the time I was being put under, I had my anesthesiologist offering to take me out for drinks. (I was 19 at the time).
5. When I was very young I was sneaking around in my attic looking for god knows what, completely against my mothers proclamation that if I ever went up there I would get hurt. Turns out she was right. I stepped on a nail, had to go for a tetanus shot, etc, etc, etc. I still remember the sound that it made, too. Like cutting through a melon. GROSS.
6. Although I own a few Silent Hill and Resident Evil games, I refuse to play them when I'm home by myself - I get too scared. There was a few week period when I was making my bff come over almost every day so I could finish a Silent Hill game.
7. When I was little I had free reign over the neighborhood, and would spend my days playing in the local pet store, flower shop, or hardware store. All of the owners knew me and my mother and would totally let me occupy my days there doing whatever I wanted.
8. My mother was hell bent on naming me Brandy... I'm so glad my grandmother talked her into changing her mind. Maggie is a much cuter alternative.
9. I bit my nails down to the quick until I was out of high school. Then I broke the habit, and now I get compliments on my nails almost daily.
10. I see the things I write like a movie in my head. They come to me completely out of the blue. I'll see conversations taking place, or settings, or moments. I see them much more in depth than I can ever write them. Smells, and sounds, lights and colors. It's so vivid that I sometimes have a hard time believing it hasn't actually happened.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Love....actually.
I don't know what the hell is up with me lately but man, I've been all kinds of into all things hopelessly romantic. Like, hopelessly ridiculously fairytaletastic romantic. Scenes from TV shows, movies, the littlest things in everyday life.
I saw the Sex and The City movie today and it totally got me. Like there were several times during it that I was all "awww" be it because of feeling the heartbreak of Carrie because she wanted things to go a certain way or when things went really well. I totally teared up several times and that shocked the hell out of me because I can't even say I've ever been that way about the show.
I wish I knew what was triggering this because I've lived a life that's very much quite the opposite of romantic. And maybe, I guess that's what's made me be paying that much more attention to it now or something. I've always been that girl that's wanted that and it's funny that I haven't turned into some sort of jaded old bitch because I haven't gotten it. I'm still as impressed and moved by people's random caring acts as I've ever been. I'm not ashamed to say I watch the cheesy movies on Encore's Love Channel...I quite enjoy the "Romantic Comedy" genre. In fact, I'm watching "The Holiday" right now, even though I'm not much a fan of Cameron Diaz.
So, in my recent fit of romantic fascination, I bought this poster and plan on getting it framed. It's from a show that shall remain nameless for now, and I was traipsing the internet last night and didn't even know such things were available for purchase but as soon as I saw it was, I had to have it cause I've got a thing about that whole dreamy kissing in the rain thing and I just love the sketchy look with the red...anyways, it's pretty, yes?
I saw the Sex and The City movie today and it totally got me. Like there were several times during it that I was all "awww" be it because of feeling the heartbreak of Carrie because she wanted things to go a certain way or when things went really well. I totally teared up several times and that shocked the hell out of me because I can't even say I've ever been that way about the show.
I wish I knew what was triggering this because I've lived a life that's very much quite the opposite of romantic. And maybe, I guess that's what's made me be paying that much more attention to it now or something. I've always been that girl that's wanted that and it's funny that I haven't turned into some sort of jaded old bitch because I haven't gotten it. I'm still as impressed and moved by people's random caring acts as I've ever been. I'm not ashamed to say I watch the cheesy movies on Encore's Love Channel...I quite enjoy the "Romantic Comedy" genre. In fact, I'm watching "The Holiday" right now, even though I'm not much a fan of Cameron Diaz.
So, in my recent fit of romantic fascination, I bought this poster and plan on getting it framed. It's from a show that shall remain nameless for now, and I was traipsing the internet last night and didn't even know such things were available for purchase but as soon as I saw it was, I had to have it cause I've got a thing about that whole dreamy kissing in the rain thing and I just love the sketchy look with the red...anyways, it's pretty, yes?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)