Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Mornings make me extremely introspective. I'm not sure why, but if I were to venture a guess, I'd say it has to do with the fact that its truly the only part of my day that I'm really alone. Any other part of the day is filled with the incessant chatter of coworkers, the click of keys as I IM, or the obnoxiously loud sounds my phone makes when someone calls or texts. Not that I mind. I love being the center of attention and generally crave interaction with other people. Which is why I have such a hard time letting it go.

I live in a college town, which is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I'm never at a shortage for new interesting people to color my world. On the other hand, eventually they all leave, and I get to be the girl who stayed too long at the party and is just kind of stumbling around with her drink, looking for someone to pick her up and take her home.

I feel like I'm always saying goodbye to someone, and this week is no exception. I get too attached too fast, even though every logical cell in my brain tells me very clearly, "Back off, you moron. We've done this before. It's never fun for you and it always ends with you crying yourself to sleep, listening to some sappy boy sing a weepy guitar ballad." It never really matters, my heart always wins over logic.

I know better.

Since I was five years old I've been shown over and over again that the men in my life will do nothing but destroy my world, break my heart, and not look back when they go. But I refuse to be one of those jaded, cynical girls who can't let anyone in because there's just too much damage for someone to repair. So it ends up with me being completely the opposite and inviting people in to completely wreck me and take pieces with them when they go.

It's all become routine to me. Somewhat of a joke to the people who see it coming a mile away. There is also a list of excuses and explanations that come up every time as well. Maggie, you've just got daddy issues. Maggie, you knew he was going to leave. Maggie, you're just way too intimidating. Maggie, you know there's nothing good that can come with getting involved with a musician. At this point I can only joke about it and try to break the cycle.

The latest in this parade of heartache is different than the others in the sense that he gets the satisfaction of a very firm "I told you so. I told you not to get attached to me. I warned you, and I tried to fight you off and eventually you won and I had to stop. I hate that I'm just another one falling into line with your abandonment issues." He's not saying these things in a smug, self serving way, but in a sad, sympathetic way. He's surprisingly maybe the first one to make me think about how hard this can be from the other side of it. It can't always be easy being the one doing the leaving either. The last time I did this it was different. All fights and dramatics, tears and unfinished business. The last one went out with a scream, this one is going out with a whimper.

In like a lion, out like a sacrificial lamb.

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